Name: James "Walk Of Life" Driver
Bio: The big man between the sticks, James Driver is the Mighty Boy's last line of defence and first line of attack. While some may question his goal-keeping credentials, ability to kick further than the edge of his area, shot-stopping, cross-catching, injury record, communication and…. where was I going with this? What can't be questioned though is his ability to turn up on time every week in order to pick the ball out of the net. Jim, we all think you are just grand in goal as nobody else wants to do it. All hail the flying Banana.
Strange But True: Driver's cover of Dire Straits' Walk Of Life is the highest grossing karaoke single of all time, reaching number one on the Black Boy Jukebox
Transfer Status: not for sale…. oh go on then.
Specialist Skill: Karaoke
Name: Graham "Eric The Viking" Plummer
Bio: Player-manager Graham is suffering from knees made of marshmallows this year and has had his biggest impact organising The Boy from the sidelines with shouts of "get up the pitch" and "get back" coming almost simultaneously. Committed fully to the cause, no-one left alive can remember the last time Eric started a game but archived records show that apparently he was an "impressively average" centreback at one stage.
Strange But True: Graham is secretly a member of MI5 after successfully turning up for his interview on time. Don't tell anyone will you.
Transfer Status: Smooth running motor, one lady owner, cd/stereo, no questions asked, £300 o.n.o.
Specialist Skill: Getting the best parking spaces
Name: Ian "Jock" Robinson
Bio: Jock is a Black Boy stalwart and can always be counted on to strike fear into any opposing striker with his range of tackling above and below the knee. In fact after being kicked up in the air by Jock, many a young player has been left huddled in a padded cell with a squint in their eye which simply says "you weren't there, man, you weren't there". Top bloke and a man who is up for anything which may involve seeing tits and drinking beer.
Strange But True: Jock is so full of cheer that he literally pisses rainbows
Transfer Status: The only Black Boy player who negotiated his contract in pints
Specialist Skill: Kicking any youngsters he can catch up with up in the air
Name: Barry "Father Baz" Johnson
Bio: The holy father is the calming influence of the Black Boy team both on and off the pitch. Calm and calculating in possession, Baz is renowned for his relaxed approach to the offside trap which often sees him standing behind the goalkeeper. His battlecry leaves many opposition players on the ground after the smoke has cleared. Unfortunately Baz suffers from a condition which prevents him from spelling his own name correctly.
Strange But True: The "unholy" Black Boy Pub has caused Father Baz to boycott post-game drinks
Transfer Status: Market value of one ASDA steak-and-kidney pie
Specialist Skill: Master of the Onside Trap
Name: Mark "Master" Bates
Bio: The Black Boy's ever-reliable right-back, Batesy has a turn of pace and the right attitude to make him a true patron of the club. Full of chuckles and pints, Mr Bates is always one of the first names of the teamsheet and rightly so.
Strange But True: Batesy was the creator of BBFC mascot, the loveable "Bag Of Dirt"
Transfer Status: Available to hire for birthdays, bar mitzvahs, funerals and weddings. Just £4.99
Specialist Skill: Poo spotting
Name: Charlie "The Left" Leighton
Bio: Young but seasoned professional, Mr Leighton is highly regarded by the Black Boy for his impressive lack of defending and constant demand for defensive cover. Recently returned from a European scouting mission, Charlie is ready to fight for the left-back spot which no-body else really wants. Ever-reliable, Leighton has forged a strong relationship down the left with Mark Austin in recent weeks.
Strange But True: Leighton's blood type is the incredibly rare "IPA Positive"
Transfer Status: His long-throw abilities have drawn the eye of Stoke's Tony Pulis to test the club's resolve with a £1.50 offer
Special Skill: Dressing straight from Keith Chegwin's fancy dress panto cupboard.
Name: Steve "Flan" Flanagan
Bio: Tales of the legendary Flan are often whispered carefully around the campfire as his spurious tackling and unexpected Michael Flatley moves often leave the opposition and fellow teammates perplexed. After a few barren seasons, Flan is back to his scoring best (into single figures for the season) and ready to once again fight for his place in the team when not being chased around the field by a wasp. Expect Steve to boycott the Black Boy Pub after the game in order to sit at a rival bar in his kit and shin-pads.
Strange But True: The upcoming feature film sequel "Flan Up 2: Return of the small bee" based on the life of Steve Flanagan see's Steven Seagal return to the role of Steve Flanagan
Transfer Status: Bitterly married to the club after all these years
Special Skill: Controlling the ball with his back
Name: Sean "Wiggy" Wiggins
Bio: Having already survived two world wars, nothing was going to stop Wiggy turning out for the Mighty Boy for yet another season. A valuable asset on and off the pitch, Sean can always be relied on to produce the goods and although he vows to retire once more at the end of this season, it is rumoured that his agent is pushing hard for a 12 month contract extension. For his ever-lasting commitment, Mr Wiggins, we salute you.
Strange But True: Born from two Goliath's, Sean is officially recognised as the world's smallest giant, standing at around 4'10".
Transfer Status: Available for immediate retirement
Name: Carl Wager
Bio: Wager has quickly become the centre of the Black Boy team either in the heart of the defence or the midfield. Always battling away, you can count on a committed performance every week although his encouragement of team-mates is often misinterpreted due to his gypsy upbringing no-one can understand what the fuck he is saying. Surely nailed on for an end-of-season award though.
Strange But True: Rejected from the club as a junior for being "far too young and skilful", Carl took note and returned to the club when suitably older and slower.
Transfer Status: Signed on a Bosman free at the start of the season
Specialist Skill: Talking in "Gypsy"
Name: Daniel "Rhino" Millington-Barnes
Bio: A rare sight in the surroundings of Bury St Edmunds, Rhino has been pushed to near extinction by opposition poachers who are all after his massive horn (I've seen it, it's huge). While often reduced to the important role of unused substitute or Linesman, "Rhino The Lino" is quicker with the flag than his usual turning circle with a ball which is often compared to an Italian cruise ship.
Strange But True: Rhino is so committed to the cause that he steals a new pair of boots from Sports Direct every week.
Transfer Status: Will trade for an endangered football playing Panda
Specialist Skill: Scoring goals with his shoulder.
Name: Mark "Orange-Juice-And-Lemonade-Please" Austin
Bio: Despite his two broken twiglet legs which regularly cause Mark to make weekly trips to the physio rather than the football pitch, Mark continues to be person that I cannot offend too much for fear of losing my lift to the pub. In all seriousness, Austin has had a tough season with injuries but despite playing for a beer-drinking sausage-eating team, always manages to turn up to the pub despite being a non-drinking vegetarian (pussy).
Strange But True: One half of Swedish teen pop sensation "Marlie", Mark is now working on an album of thrash-metal ballads aimed at the deaf.
Transfer Status: A record signing back in 2008 for a packet of Wine Gums, Mark has gone on to make over 4 appearances for the club
Specialist Skill: Photographs with attractive foreign women
Name: Paul "Taff" Thomas
Bio: Slim and nippy winger Paul Thomas also acts as a bounty hunter for the mighty Boy, taking enough cash to send us on far-flung foreign tours in the summer months. With a beaut of a left foot, temper of a troll, and an impressive selection of gears including "standing", "walking" and "sitting down", Taff remains a vital member of the team both on and off the pitch. Mr Thomas, don't ever stop being dude-awesome.
Strange But True: Once replaced on the wing by a boiled egg and no-body could tell the difference.
Transfer Status: Available for loan…. no-one? Please? Oh well, we tried.
Specialist Skill: Club Bailiff
Name: Phil Cowan
Bio: Phil's patented boots made with a thick glue on the outside has helped him keep hold of the ball when many a team-mate has called for a pass. That said, Phil is certainly starting to win any doubters over with his hold up play when support can be almost seen on the horizon. Strong and built like a wombat, Cowlan will almost certainly finish the season as Black Boy's top goalscorer and will surely be a big threat again next season if he keeps improving.
Strange But True: Phil's award winning beard is believed to contain a series of increasingly smaller beards which sit inside each other like Russian Dolls
Transfer Status: Product of the world famous Black Boy youth academy.
Specialist Skill: Somehow keeping his van road-legal
Name: Michael Carter
Bio: Often dressing and playing like a middle-aged man, Carter has increasingly adopted the Black Boy mentality of being 45, sometimes playing football but always going to the pub. Versatile and able to play just about anywhere, Carter is quickly becoming an important name on the teamsheet and looks better with every game. Hopefully big things are to come.
Strange But True: Voted Heat magazine's "weird crush of the year" 1998.
Transfer Status: Protracted summer transfer from Barons to his boyhood club, which filled the newspaper back-pages for months
Specialist Skill: Housewives pin-up
Name: Darren "50 Pence" Lord
Bio: With a suspected fetish for the magic sponge, the continually injured Lord is restricted to a handful of games per season due mainly to his lack of knees. That doesn't stop him battling through games with a whimper of "it's just a flesh-wound sir". His tough tackling mentality is a real asset to the boy as he wins possession before immediately clearing any danger for an opposition corner no matter where his position on the pitch. All praise the Lord!
Strange But True: It is a little known fact that Britney Spears shaved her head to forge out a career as a Darren Lord look-a-like.
Transfer Status: Lordy's fifty pence head is now available half-price at just 25p
Specialist Skill: Putting on a limp to lull the opposition into a false sense of security
Name: Michael "Shanks" Monksfield
Bio: Often named club captain by his bum-chum Graham (who strangely overlooks the impressive Leighton), Shanks is a great clubman and the engine of our midfield. Standing an impressive 8'10", Monster-Michael looks a much more accomplished and complete player this season and has start to chip in with plenty of vital goals. What is equally impressive is his work off the pitch, organising training, planning summer jollies, taking money, and giving sweets to small children in return for sexual favors. Let's hear it for the big gay bear.
Strange But True: Shanks has a strange butt? True.
Transfer Status: Available for just £45million with big spending Manchester City rumoured to be interested.
Specialist Skill: Flushing chickens down the toilet.
Name: Neil "Ringo" Ring
Bio: BBFC's regularly absent assistant manager has been around longer than most with the slitty eyes of a Chinese Bond villain and the gay wave of a man who is finally glad to be out of the closet. Yes, we can only be talking about our beloved Ringo, a man for all seasons, all positions and all trips abroad as long as he can avoid being punched in his beautiful Asian face.
Strange But True: Ringo once offered a Latvian man £1million not to punch him in the eye.
Transfer Status: No one has paid Ringo since he was rejected from the club as a youngster, but that never stops the fucker from turning up from time to time.
Specialist Skill: He love you long time
Name: Michael "Stato" Leighton
Bio: Poke him with a stick to eject a random statistical nugget, Michael is to the world of football what the satsuma is to the world of morris dancing - largely absent and tricky to peel. That said, Michael's background work in the statistical analysis of the game in the pub afterwards leads many to believe that he actually knows what he's talking about. In conclusion, Michael is like a small dancing orange with bells on.
Strange But True: Michael gives on average 12.43 stats per game, 14% more than any other player and 4th in the all-time rankings.
Transfer Status: On loan to FC Loughborough
Special Skill: Fixing shit with his handy penknife the size of a car
Name: Jalil "JJ" Samavarchian
Bio: With a name which no-one can pronounce, Jalil is fondly known simply as JJ. Our record American signing from across the pond came highly recommended by no-body so ended up signing for the Mighty Boy. After a start to the season which saw JJ score a record number of field goals from a central offensive position, JJ's completion rate has continued to be high in and around the end-zone when he enters the scrimmage.
Strange But True: JJ was in trouble earlier in the season for soliciting sex at the BBFC Stadium
Transfer Status: $12.99 Super-price
Specialist Skill: Scoring a touchdown
Name: Rees Delo
Bio: After being linked as "the new white Eric Djemba-Djemba" and then "the new not-so-rapey Titus Bramble", Rees understandably prefers to be known as "the poor man's Rees Delo". A big money summer signing, Rees is now settling into the Black Boy way of life, defeat on the pitch followed by some beers off it. A centre-back by trade, Rees is good in the air, strong in the tackle and getting better with every game. One to watch for the future.
Strange But True: Delo's lead-footed freekicks have left no Bury St Edmunds back-garden safe.
Transfer Status: A new signing this season, Rees signed his contract in his own blood.
Specialist Skill: Kicking the ball into orbit
Name: Gareth "Garthy" Adams
Bio: Having given football the nod ahead of chasing an egg around a field and cuddling large men, Garthy is now enjoying perhaps his best season in a Black Boy shirt. Hugely competitive and committed, Grizzly Adams can play just about anywhere but is perhaps most effective on the bench. Short, balding and with an awful touch, it is true to say that Garthy has always fitted the Black Boy mould.
Strange But True: A by-product of his rugby history, Garthy is prone to celebrating after clearing the cross-bar.
Transfer Status: Widely reported as the Black Boy's highest earner, Garthy famously proclaimed his move as "a bargain for the club for I am the Special One"
Specialist Skill: Moustache growing
Name: Dave "Nearo" Neary
Bio: Thawed from an iceberg found on a Black Boy academy school, Dave Neary has gone down in club folklore after becoming the record appearance maker at the Black Boy pub. After kicking a much publicised addiction to Onion Rings, Dave Neary established himself as team captain before retiring at the start of the season to fulfil his ranching duties with the herd of Elks on his farm.
Strange But True: Dave forged an acting career away from football when playing the long-lost Mitchell brother is an Eastenders Christmas Special.
Transfer Status: Technically retired but brought in on temporary loans when required
Specialist Skill: Eating onion rings
Name: Lee Pallot
Bio: A pacy striker with an eye for goal, Pallot has been in fine form this season before injury ruled him out for the rest of the season. Returning to the club once again like a timid wife returning to her violent husband, Pallot is always on the verge of leaving us which is a real shame. Please come back Lee, we all love you really and we promise you won't accidentally walk into a door any more and have to explain the bruises.
Strange But True: Lee has a tattoo of his own face, on his face.
Transfer Status: Having already had approximately 23 different spells at the club, Lee has proudly just signed a new long-term contract. Expect him to quit at the end of the season.
Specialist Skill: Returning to the club
Name: Chris Pursell
Bio: Quiet and unassuming by day, quiet and unassuming by night, there can be no doubt that Chris Purcell is quite quiet and unassuming. In fact this season he has been unnoticeably more quiet and unassuming due to his loan move to Sheffield Wednesday to gain more first team experience and learn how to drink in true Black Boy style. His pace and commitment has been missed this season in a team with an average age of 45 since his absence.
Strange But True: Chris is currently studying hard in order to take on Clark Carlisle for the title of Britain's Brainiest Footballer
Transfer Status: On loan to Sheffield Wednesday
Specialist Skill: Running away from boobs
Bio: A lover of Easter, apparently, Chris has quickly settled into the Black Boy midfield alongside his brother Carl. After trimming his favourite East17 centre parting during the summer, Chris discovered he could actually see the ball which turned out to be pretty handy on the football field and I'm not sure he has ever lost a header in his life... especially in that beautiful hat.
Strange But True: Chris retired as a London hit-man to take up the promotion of pub chef at Wetherspoons.
Transfer Status: Not available, just in case we ever have to play against him.
Specialist Skill: Opposition's nightmare
Name: "Simple" Pete Hailstone
Bio: A literal wing-wizard, "Simple Pete" has looked increasingly at home in the Black Boy team in recent weeks despite his obvious mental problems. Standing about 5 foot 2 and rarely featuring a facial expression, Pete is easily overlooked making him a pain to mark. Indeed, the only time Pete looks happy is when burying sticks in the adventure play area or when drinking juice from his sippy cup. That said, Pete looks better with every game and could make a real difference to the team this year.
Strange But True: Pete describes his hobbies as "big blue car" and "shiny things". Nope, us neither!?
Transfer Status: Paid a weekly allowance of bubbles to keep him happy.
Specialist Skill: Quidditch
Bio: Witness the fitness of Chris Rogers, another summer recruit to Black Boy Squadron. Son of Roger Rogers, his first competitive game for the Mighty Boy saw him substituted on and then a few minutes later off again for being knackered and was declared "officially fucked" by BBFC medical staff. However once fit, Chris has proven to have a good footballing brain and can play a number of positions. His desire to give it his best and smile as we are getting thrashed means he dovetails perfectly into the Black Boy way of life.
Strange But True: The films "Mean Girls", "Crocodile Dundee 2" and "Babe: Pig In The City" were all based on the life of Chris Rogers.
Transfer Status: Recently signed on a pay as you play deal.
Specialist Skill: Erm... not football.
